Conversation With God

“Get up!  It’s time!”

“I know, but I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“What if I fail?”

“You will at times.  But what if you succeed?”

“That scares me even more.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really know.  I’m afraid of more being expected.  Then what if I can’t do any more?”

“How do you know if you can’t do more if you haven’t even tried to do a little?”

“How do you know that I can?”

“Because, you are my child.  I put into you the things that I knew you would need to do the task that I have given you.  I knew that you would need determination, strength, fire, and audacity.  I also knew that those things would also make you stubborn and hard-nosed if not tempered right.  That my child is the struggle you are having right now.  You are fighting the wrong battle.  You are fighting against what I instilled in you, when in reality I intended you to use that to grab hold of the difficult people who are hurt so badly that only you can reach them.  They will be hard to love because of their hurt, but I know that you are stubborn enough, determined enough, and audacious enough to not give up on them and to guide them to Me.”

“How do you know that?  You’ve seen me!  I lose it over the small things now.”

“Yes, but you have also held on and persevered through the tough, too.  Let go of what you are holding onto that you think is protecting you.  It’s a false wall.  It’s not protecting you.  It’s keeping you from what I have intended for you.”

“But what if I get hurt?”

“That will happen.  Let go of the hurt.”

“What if I fall down?’

“That will happen, too.  You know what I want you to do when that happens?”

“You want me to stand back up.”

“Exactly.  For some reason, the last time you fell, you chose not to get back up.  Not completely.  You allowed yourself to stand just enough to where when something hits you, you easily fall.  I want you to stand completely up and on a solid foundation that only I can give you.  Are you ready?”

“I think so.”

“I asked if you were ready?”

“Yes.  But…”

“No.  No “but”.  When you add that, you are not fully trusting me.  Do you trust me to catch you if you fall?”

“Yyeesss.”

“I sense some hesitation.  I have never left you.  I have been right here waiting for you to take hold of me, ready to help you stand.”

“I know you have.”

“Then what are you waiting for.  Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“Then stand!  We have a job to do.”

“Yes, Lord.”

 

 

 

My Journey To Health…week 10 update (Vacation)

We are on vacation this week.  We are planning to do a lot around the house project wise.  We’ll see if it all gets done since the list is longer than my arm (not really, but you get the point). 
I’m not walking this week since we have had company from Wisconsin since Monday and with all the yardwork, I think that gets credit.  I’m also not weighing in or measuring this week since I’m not meeting up to walk with the girls.  I’ll leave you with this:

image

Change is always happening, even when you can’t see it.  Keep it up!  One day you’ll wake up and you’ll notice a huge difference and wonder what in the world happened.  🙂  Be blessed!

My Journey To Health…No Excuses

My internet is down is down today, so I’m having to attept this from my phone.  Can’t get a tech until tomorrow (of course), so we’ll see how this goes.

Somebody posted a video yesterday that I had watched several months back. It was good to see it again, especially after the day that I had. We went to the store and I had purchased a pair of smaller pants for walking and a couple smaller shirts because I’m starting to swim in mine. I decided against the clothes (so they are going back) but something triggered in me and I threw my hands up, had a hissy fit and was giving up.  It was for the stupidest reason, but at the time to me it was valid.  I get home and I watch this.

I have no excuses. None at all.  No reason to give up.  No reason not to push forward. No reason to throw a fit.  No reason to whine about how I feel and the state that I’m in.  If this man can overcome the things that he has overcome, then there’s no reason I can’t too.  We can do this.  We. Can. Do. This!  We have no excuses.  Anything is better than nothing.  Even the smallest effort is more than no effort at all.  We all have to start somewhere and the best place to start is where we are at.  Each step we take, each move we make, is one step or move further than we were yesterday.  We. Can. Do. This! What do you think?  🙂  be Blessed!

My Journey To Health…Did I really just do that!?!

Just excuse my dishoveledness (is that even a word?).  I had just finished walking in a gazillion degree weather and my heart was still racing.

God woke me up yesterday morning at 4 am, wide-eyed, and told me I need to make a vlog and told me the scripture to use.  I didn’t understand it (at 4 in the morning), but I did one I was through.  I had used it before, repeating it over and over with every step I took, when we were hiking.  Have an awesome day!  =)  Be Blessed!

My Journey To Health…Wk 2

WOW!  I have been blogging for a few years now, though not consistently, and I have never gotten as much feedback, emails, or messages as I did with my first post about my health journey.  I had a comment on my last post about how this struggle will be a blessing and a gift.  She was completely right.  God will be able to use this and me to help someone else and to spur them on.  So, I figured that I would write to bring everything completely up to date.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV) says, Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

This is my ultimate goal with this.  I am in no position right now to be able to completely walk in obedience.  If He calls me to travel to the mountains in Asia, there is no way I could even think of walking there.  So, my current state henders my ability to function at my best.  THIS WILL CHANGE!  If God calls me, I need to be ready…in ALL aspects.

My starting pic was from May at my sister’s wedding.  I had set a goal to be “skinny” for it and needless to say I failed miserably.  I actually GAINED weight when I was trying to lose it!  I also had started swelling really bad and I joke that I looked like Baymax from Big Hero 6.  Since the wedding, I didn’t really do anything drastic to lose until about 3 weeks ago.  So, what is my starting point?  I topped out at 351.5 lbs.  There it is.  No hiding it!  I do know this though, I have always been on the heavier side weight wise since I had so much muscle mass (I was into sports and such) and I’ve had people tell me that I will show more progress in my measurements than I do in my weight.  They were right.

Well, 3 weeks into eating right and 2 weeks into my thyroid med, here are the numbers:

Starting Weight: 351.5 Lbs

Starting Inches:

Bust: 56

Arms: L 24

R 24

Waste: 55

Hips: 65

Current Weight: 351

Current Inches:

Bust: 49.5

Arms: L 19.5

R 20

Waste: 53

Hips: 61

Total Loss:

Lbs: .5

Inches: 20.5

From now on I will only post my total losses for the week.  Also, my goals.  Whether they are for exercise, diet, or other kind of goal.  I am pleased to say that the goal I set for this week of walking a mile, I hit that the day after my post.  WOOHOO!!!  I actually got 3.2 miles in for the whole day with all my steps.

Well, how about an updated pic!  I had to see for myself if there was a difference since I was feeling like I looked better and I had people saying so…what do you think?!?

image

Today is a new day and I will keep going.  Thank you for taking this journey with me.  I hope that it will bring encouragement and motivation for you!  =)  Be Blessed!


Pruning Your Life

Transitioning into a new season in life can be tough.  We have different ebbs and flows that we have in our relationships with our spouse, children and friends, but, we also have seasons that we go through with them as well.  We have friends or acquaintances that are only intended to be with us for a season, not multiples.  How often do we try to hang on to them longer than what they were intended to be there?  It’s hard to put closure, sometimes, on those friendships, but that closure is what is needed for us to move on to the next part of our journey that God has us on.  Why is it that we try to always cling to the past when God is trying to get us to let go?  Why can’t we just trust that He has something better for us on the next leg of our voyage…if only we would take that step in following Him?

“Everything has seasons, and we have to be able to recognize when something’s time has passed and be able to move into the next season. Everything that is alive requires pruning as well, which is a great metaphor for endings.”  –Henry Cloud

Pruning can hurt.  I’m not gonna lie.  Pruning is to cut or lop off superfluous or undesired twigs, branches, or roots from; trim, to rid or clear of (anything superfluous or undesirable), to remove (anything considered superfluous or undesirable).

Branches have a purpose on a tree.  Branches also die and need to be removed from the tree so that it can stay healthy.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 (ESV) For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

The word this year that had kept playing over and over and over again in my head in BALANCE.  That is our goal for this year.  To bring BALANCE back into our lives.  When I first heard it, I thought God was just telling me to bring balance to our schedule, but it was more than that.  It was time to prune.  It was time to prune not only our schedule, but also our diet and most importantly, our minds.  I have a lot of “thought baggage” that I need to finally let go of that has weighed me down for years.  For me to really bring balance to my life, I need to start there and everything else will fall in line.  First, a pruning must happen and I must let go of things that were only meant for a season.

So, when you examine your life as it is right now, are there things or people who you should be letting go of (or pruning)?  Is there baggage that you are to put down and be done with so you are able to move forward, the way God is wanting you to?  Are you allowing yourself to be held back out of fear of letting go?  There is peace in balance, if we would only let it happen.  You can do it!  Just trust Him.  =)  Be Blessed!

The Little Reminders

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.  Faith has been the forefront of our conversations and thoughts.  We’ve been working through some things about it and Destiny is learning more and more about herself and how it really did affect her.  It all started when we got her box out.  The one that has all the belongings that would have been hers.  In that box, was also her ashes.  As I sat on the bed, holding what I can’t seem to let go of, my mind falls on all the little reminders that God has given me.  Ones that are unmistakably from Him.

I’ve blogged about Faith before and I have spoken of her “flower”.  This flower I have come to find out is called Chicory.

chicory

This flower first appeared to me along side the road about 8 years ago.  Right about the time I found out that I was pregnant with Faith.  I had never noticed it before, but I fell in love with it once I saw it.  I tried many a time to pick it so I could bring it home and plant it.  Yet, every time I did, it had wilted and died by the time I got it home.

Fast forward a few months.  February came around and I had went in for my appointment.  I was told that there was no detectable heartbeat.  I remember sitting there in the doctor’s office, dreading to pick up the phone to call Tevis.  Destiny and Hunter were sitting in the room with me, not really aware of what was going on or why mom had this look of shock on her face and had no breath to talk.  What was I going to say to him?  I didn’t want to make him worry.  I didn’t want to fill his mind with the words that were just spoken to me just a few moments earlier, but I had to.  But how?  How do you call the man you love and explain to him that you have manage to lose the child that you have both prayed for?  How can I look him in the face and see the hurt and the tears…Oh the tears.  It’s more than I could bear to think about.  Yet, I made that call.  Ever so slowly I dialed the numbers one by one.  Then, after being paged, he answered.  “She’s gone.”  There was silence.  Then the question, “what did you say?”  “She’s gone.  The baby is gone.  There is no heartbeat.”  As I waited with apprehension with what he would say next, I heard these soft, yet reassuring words.  “I love you.  Are you okay?  Do I need to come and get you?”  There was my Aaron, standing there, holding my arms up when I was about to give in.  The reassurance and affirmation from him was enough.  We will get through this, but only together.

We were induced on Valentine’s Day 2007 after I was given 2 pints of blood.  You see, apparently, I have a rare blood disorder.  Which we were able to find out because of Faith.  I am to have regular blood transfusions since I don’t produce enough blood for my body to function. So, having to produce enough for 2 bodies, just wasn’t going to happen.  She was born, thankfully, on the 15th of February.  We named her Faith Elizabeth. Faith, because it was going to take that to get through this and to understand the why. Elizabeth, because we prayed for this child. Regardless of the outcome, we had prayed for her.

I remember that day well.  We had my parents bring the kids down so they could see her.  They had to bring her up from the morgue and that’s when things really started to set in.  Hunter was right in the middle of the bed, all intently looking at her.  Destiny on the other had been standing across the room.  Every once in a while I would catch her standing on her toes trying to peek, but she would never come close.  Had I taken the time to notice then and really read her face, I would have known the protective shield she was starting to build.  A shield that we are now working to tear down.

Eventually everybody left and it was just Tevis and I again.  I remember having to say to him that it was time to let her go back.  All he could do was just stand there and hold her.  Looking at her through eyes that could shatter the hardest of hearts.  The nurses came in and Tevis slowly handed her to them.  He was standing next to me, as I was in the bed, when the door closed.  And there into my lap, Tevis collapsed and cried tears of such anguish that is was terrifying.  I have never in my life seen a man cry like that.  From the depths of his soul, the brokeness came forth.  And there was nothing I could do.  Nothing, except to hold him.  So, hold him I did.  And, so the journey of healing began.

We took our time planning her memorial service.  I am glad that we did.  We made every decision for it.  One of the best things we did was to release butterflies.  We chose the Painted Lady.  We had each person in our family take one to release.  We had to let her go, why not do it with butterflies.

painted lady

 

So, the process began…everyday we began again.  Then, Mother’s Day came.  I didn’t see that one coming as it being a hard day to get through.  I thought that the day of when she was scheduled to be delivered would be the one.  But this day came with a vengeance.  It was the first time since she died that Tevis and I fought about it.  As much as it hurt, it was things that we had needed to say and to vent.

Later that afternoon God showed up.  I love my flower, that has become known as the Faith Flower in our family.  But as I had said, it only grows along the road, as far as I have seen.  But on this particular afternoon, as I was sitting on the couch, I looked out the window.  And there, in our front flower garden, was my flower.  I had never planted it.  It had just appeared.  And I had never noticed it.  But on this day, I not only had my flower, but a Painted Lady butterfly sitting on one of the flowers.  “I’ve got this”, in a still small voice, I heard.  “I’ve got this.”

Faith’s flower showed up again after we had moved to WI a few years later.  This flower was nowhere to be found, until one day when I was at my breaking point.  I was backing out of the driveway, and as I sat there in the car checking for traffic, I noticed at the corner of our property, Faith’s Flower.  I bawled.  Because once again, I heard, “I’ve got this!”  And He does.  I drove and drove, looking for that flower somewhere else, but it was nowhere.  It was only on the corner of our property.

About a month later, it was Fair time.  Destiny had a project she was doing for music and she was going to do a vocal piece.  Tevis was going to accompany her.  We had talked and talked about how she needed to overcome her fear of the stage.  She felt a little better knowing that Tevis would be there with her.  And so, the day came and she walked, with hesitant courage, onto the platform.  She took the mic and as Tevis began to play, right above Destiny’s head, a Painted Lady Butterfly appeared.  It flew back and forth over her through the entire song.  When she had finished, it just vanished.  She came off the stage and said to me, “Mom, did you see that?  Faith was here!”  Yes, she was.  So was God, saying, “I’ve got this!”

I know it all sounds crazy.  Like I’ve lost my mind.  There are times that I wonder that too.  Then, out of nowhere, I get a little reminder.  Like the other day when I was sitting on the front step.  I looked up, and directly across the road, was Faith’s flower.  Again, it was the only one around.

A friend of mine asked me why I don’t plant it since I know what it is now.  But I can’t.  It’s not meant to hold onto.  Just like Faith wasn’t meant for us to hold onto.  Besides, it’s God’s way of telling me He’s got this.  So, I will let it be my little reminder.  Waiting with anticipation for when it, or the Painted Lady, will show up next.    It gets sweeter with time, that way.  And that’s the way I want to remember it.   =)  Be Blessed!