It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. Faith has been the forefront of our conversations and thoughts. We’ve been working through some things about it and Destiny is learning more and more about herself and how it really did affect her. It all started when we got her box out. The one that has all the belongings that would have been hers. In that box, was also her ashes. As I sat on the bed, holding what I can’t seem to let go of, my mind falls on all the little reminders that God has given me. Ones that are unmistakably from Him.
I’ve blogged about Faith before and I have spoken of her “flower”. This flower I have come to find out is called Chicory.
This flower first appeared to me along side the road about 8 years ago. Right about the time I found out that I was pregnant with Faith. I had never noticed it before, but I fell in love with it once I saw it. I tried many a time to pick it so I could bring it home and plant it. Yet, every time I did, it had wilted and died by the time I got it home.
Fast forward a few months. February came around and I had went in for my appointment. I was told that there was no detectable heartbeat. I remember sitting there in the doctor’s office, dreading to pick up the phone to call Tevis. Destiny and Hunter were sitting in the room with me, not really aware of what was going on or why mom had this look of shock on her face and had no breath to talk. What was I going to say to him? I didn’t want to make him worry. I didn’t want to fill his mind with the words that were just spoken to me just a few moments earlier, but I had to. But how? How do you call the man you love and explain to him that you have manage to lose the child that you have both prayed for? How can I look him in the face and see the hurt and the tears…Oh the tears. It’s more than I could bear to think about. Yet, I made that call. Ever so slowly I dialed the numbers one by one. Then, after being paged, he answered. “She’s gone.” There was silence. Then the question, “what did you say?” “She’s gone. The baby is gone. There is no heartbeat.” As I waited with apprehension with what he would say next, I heard these soft, yet reassuring words. “I love you. Are you okay? Do I need to come and get you?” There was my Aaron, standing there, holding my arms up when I was about to give in. The reassurance and affirmation from him was enough. We will get through this, but only together.
We were induced on Valentine’s Day 2007 after I was given 2 pints of blood. You see, apparently, I have a rare blood disorder. Which we were able to find out because of Faith. I am to have regular blood transfusions since I don’t produce enough blood for my body to function. So, having to produce enough for 2 bodies, just wasn’t going to happen. She was born, thankfully, on the 15th of February. We named her Faith Elizabeth. Faith, because it was going to take that to get through this and to understand the why. Elizabeth, because we prayed for this child. Regardless of the outcome, we had prayed for her.
I remember that day well. We had my parents bring the kids down so they could see her. They had to bring her up from the morgue and that’s when things really started to set in. Hunter was right in the middle of the bed, all intently looking at her. Destiny on the other had been standing across the room. Every once in a while I would catch her standing on her toes trying to peek, but she would never come close. Had I taken the time to notice then and really read her face, I would have known the protective shield she was starting to build. A shield that we are now working to tear down.
Eventually everybody left and it was just Tevis and I again. I remember having to say to him that it was time to let her go back. All he could do was just stand there and hold her. Looking at her through eyes that could shatter the hardest of hearts. The nurses came in and Tevis slowly handed her to them. He was standing next to me, as I was in the bed, when the door closed. And there into my lap, Tevis collapsed and cried tears of such anguish that is was terrifying. I have never in my life seen a man cry like that. From the depths of his soul, the brokeness came forth. And there was nothing I could do. Nothing, except to hold him. So, hold him I did. And, so the journey of healing began.
We took our time planning her memorial service. I am glad that we did. We made every decision for it. One of the best things we did was to release butterflies. We chose the Painted Lady. We had each person in our family take one to release. We had to let her go, why not do it with butterflies.
So, the process began…everyday we began again. Then, Mother’s Day came. I didn’t see that one coming as it being a hard day to get through. I thought that the day of when she was scheduled to be delivered would be the one. But this day came with a vengeance. It was the first time since she died that Tevis and I fought about it. As much as it hurt, it was things that we had needed to say and to vent.
Later that afternoon God showed up. I love my flower, that has become known as the Faith Flower in our family. But as I had said, it only grows along the road, as far as I have seen. But on this particular afternoon, as I was sitting on the couch, I looked out the window. And there, in our front flower garden, was my flower. I had never planted it. It had just appeared. And I had never noticed it. But on this day, I not only had my flower, but a Painted Lady butterfly sitting on one of the flowers. “I’ve got this”, in a still small voice, I heard. “I’ve got this.”
Faith’s flower showed up again after we had moved to WI a few years later. This flower was nowhere to be found, until one day when I was at my breaking point. I was backing out of the driveway, and as I sat there in the car checking for traffic, I noticed at the corner of our property, Faith’s Flower. I bawled. Because once again, I heard, “I’ve got this!” And He does. I drove and drove, looking for that flower somewhere else, but it was nowhere. It was only on the corner of our property.
About a month later, it was Fair time. Destiny had a project she was doing for music and she was going to do a vocal piece. Tevis was going to accompany her. We had talked and talked about how she needed to overcome her fear of the stage. She felt a little better knowing that Tevis would be there with her. And so, the day came and she walked, with hesitant courage, onto the platform. She took the mic and as Tevis began to play, right above Destiny’s head, a Painted Lady Butterfly appeared. It flew back and forth over her through the entire song. When she had finished, it just vanished. She came off the stage and said to me, “Mom, did you see that? Faith was here!” Yes, she was. So was God, saying, “I’ve got this!”
I know it all sounds crazy. Like I’ve lost my mind. There are times that I wonder that too. Then, out of nowhere, I get a little reminder. Like the other day when I was sitting on the front step. I looked up, and directly across the road, was Faith’s flower. Again, it was the only one around.
A friend of mine asked me why I don’t plant it since I know what it is now. But I can’t. It’s not meant to hold onto. Just like Faith wasn’t meant for us to hold onto. Besides, it’s God’s way of telling me He’s got this. So, I will let it be my little reminder. Waiting with anticipation for when it, or the Painted Lady, will show up next. It gets sweeter with time, that way. And that’s the way I want to remember it. =) Be Blessed!