I’m up, out of bed at 4:30 in the morning. Why? I fell, once again, victim to Satan’s tricks. Why can’t I figure it out when it’s happening? So, as of right now, he’s still winning since I am losing sleep over it. The worst part is that I don’t know how to stop believing them. I mean I “know” how but actually doing it is different. Mainly because I have realized that they are so engrained into my mind. I have had the same reactive pattern for so long, it’s really hard to break. The worse part is I self destruct. That is, after I annihilate anyone in my path. Then I feel guilty, stupid and completely embarrassed because I’ve made a total butt of myself and God only knows how much damage I’ve done. Plus, in my head, I run through all the Scriptures about being a good wife and think of how I’ve blown them. Which ones? Oh let’s see. Proverbs 31:10-12, 28-29, 1 Timothy 3:11…So, I want to completely hide.
So, here is my issue. At certain times, I lose total self-control. I don’t deal with criticism very well AT ALL! Unwarranted criticism tops the list. I’m even worse when it has to do with someone close to me. The problem comes when it triggers a domino effect for everything else. We’re talking my chest gets tight, my hands shake in anger, I get tunnel vision, ect. It’s fight or flight but I feel trapped and the fight feeling starts to take over. I can’t be this way. It’s beneficial to no one. It not only is damaging to myself but those around me.
It’s more than that though. It’s the lies that I keep falling for. It’s not just the damage I do in the heat of the moment, it’s what I do afterwards that I’m learning is what is most damaging. Here is a rundown of what happens in my head. These are things that I have said, be it out loud or just to myself. “I’m useless. The kids deserve a better mother. You deserve a better wife. I’m fat. It’s hopeless. I can’t do it. I quit. I’m done. I’m garbage. I’m an absolute waste of time. I’m not good enough. She’s better than me. God hates me. I drag you down.” Now, multiply that by a ton (depending on how big the blunder was) and you have my brain.
The Bible talks about self-control a lot. Apparently it’s an important trait to have. It’s not just how you handle yourself in public but with yourself as well. I’m learning that it’s one that has to be nurtured and grown. There are many Scriptures that address the issue. A couple are: He will die for lack of self-control; he will be lost because of his great foolishness (Prov. 5:23). A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls (Prov. 25:28). Obviously, it’s not a good thing to lack it. It can do a lot of damage.
That being said, this is what I think is really going on. It seems I’ve been having these triggers a lot over the last few months. As I was thinking tonight I remembered that I had been praying that God would reveal the areas that I needed to start working on. What I had expected Him to do was to just quietly tell me what it was and then He and I could talk about it in private. Ohhhh no. That is apparently NOT how this growth period is going to work (crap!). Sitting here (since I have a clear head now), I can say, “BRING IT ON!” Only good can come of this right??? I’m so thankful for the leadership that God has brought us to sit under. Even though I’m falling apart, I know that they’ve got my back and are willing to hold me accountable but love me THROUGH the process. Even though I’m a hot mess right now. They are tapped in to what God is calling them to do and it shows. I’m grateful that God has brought them alongside me (us) to help guide this process a long.
We are doing a series right now at church about the Armor of God. How fitting. Honestly, that is the first place that I need to start if I’m going to beat this. So, how much armor are we to put on? Ephesians 6:10-17 says,
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.
Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.
For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.
In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.
Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
As I read through it and chew on it, I come to the realization that I am fighting naked! It’s like taking a knife to a gun fight. You can’t go to battle unprepared. We forget that we are at war. We talk a lot about God’s love but we need to be talking about the battle before us if we want to win! And to win we have to make sure that we are tapped into the Source of power and protected with what our God has provided for us to shield ourselves with. We have to be real with ourselves and acknowledge that we are fighting naked. If we can’t be real with ourselves, we can’t be real with anybody else and they sure can’t be real with us.
So, now I have to decide if I’m going to continue to cower and run and never get anywhere or am I going to lace up my boots, grab my gear and go head on into the fight before me. You can only run from yourself (and God) for so long before your tail end (& He) catches up with ya. It’s time to quit running and start to fight…the right way!
So, who’s with me? =) Be blessed!