M.I.A.- The Courage To Begin Again

Proud people have a feeling – conscious or subconscious – that “this ministry is privileged to have me and my gifts.”  They focus on what they can do for God.  Broken people have a heart attitude that says, “I don’t deserve to have any part in this ministry”; they know that they have nothing to offer God except the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives. -Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Can I be candid and real with you for a moment?  I’m sorry.  I owe you an apology.  I have been proud and very self-centered and I am sorry for that.  I have put my own selfish desires first when it comes to ministry.  Seeking after the approval of people, I have not been obedient as of late with what God is putting on my heart.  I have been fighting Him very selfishly forgetting that it’s not about me but all about Him.  Honestly, I’ve gotten to a place where I just pushed Him aside because I was tired of the fight and internal struggle.  It was just easier to give up.

You may have noticed that I have been MIA for the last couple months or so.  To be honest, I’ve been wrestling with a few things.  I still don’t have the answer to them yet, but it will come in time.  The main question that has been posed is “What do I want from my life?”  In actuality it is a very deep question once you start to dig into it .  I know that I am a wife and mother, but what is it truly that God has for me as far as a path?  Tevis and I were talking about this the other day and he said that he knows for certain that his skill set is for Music.  So, what is mine?  I have many things that I am good at.  The moment that I think I have the answer, something else presents itself and creates confusion.  This happens frequently.  Why must I be so easily confused and confounded!

So, within my Nyquil stupor, I am once again pondering this.  It has been so easy to lose myself in the “mom/wife” mode & the “mother of a special needs child”.  Why is that?  I understand my role as a wife & mother but why have I let it consume me to the point of idleness of the desires of my heart?  Being a wife and mother is just a piece of who I am.  It’s not ALL of who I am.

I have also managed to hide behind my weight and health issues.  Using it as a shield to keep me from stepping out in confidence for fear of being rejected and ridiculed.  I don’t want to experience, from adults, the pain again  of what I endured through school from the hands of kids.  I have used the blood disorder that I have, & the doctor’s restrictions that come with it, as an excuse to keep me from making changes in my physical life that I need to make.  Yes, I need to be conscious of its effects but I can’t let it be the end-all to me.

So, it’s time to fall to my knees, ask for forgiveness and finally learn to truly stand in the confidence that God gives me.  I can’t promise that it will happen overnight.  I can only take a step, accept my failure in what I’ve let myself become,  go back to being who I was (yes, the black fingernail polish is back & I’m loving it!) and really learn to quit picking back up my baggage & old hurts.  Today is a new day and a new start.  I just have to find the courage to begin again…

=)  Be Blessed!

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2 responses to “M.I.A.- The Courage To Begin Again

  1. Melissa in a study group that I am in we have been discussing the effects to our lives of core lies that we believe. It is my guess that those kids that were mean to you said things to you that went to your core and became lies that you believe about yourself. We have been asking God to expose these core lies replacing them with His truth. Please do not make the mistake like I did when I got sick thinking that I was only significant because of what I do and at the time I couldn’t do anything because of my illness so I didn’t feel that I had any significance that is such a lie. We don’t have to do a thing to be significant I just need to be who we are in Christ. He loves to love us. It hurts his heart when we are so down on ourselves. He created us after all and knows us better than we know ourselves. Talk to God. Ask Him to reveal to you how much He loves you. Ask Him to help you know who you are in Christ. It helps to know your motivational spiritual gifts. I can send the test to you if you are interested. I need to get to bed. You are in my prayers

    • Thank you Sue for you your encouragement! I ultimately have to come to the point where I let everything go completely. That day will come. =)

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