Proud people have a feeling – conscious or subconscious – that “this ministry is privileged to have me and my gifts.” They focus on what they can do for God. Broken people have a heart attitude that says, “I don’t deserve to have any part in this ministry”; they know that they have nothing to offer God except the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives. -Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Can I be candid and real with you for a moment? I’m sorry. I owe you an apology. I have been proud and very self-centered and I am sorry for that. I have put my own selfish desires first when it comes to ministry. Seeking after the approval of people, I have not been obedient as of late with what God is putting on my heart. I have been fighting Him very selfishly forgetting that it’s not about me but all about Him. Honestly, I’ve gotten to a place where I just pushed Him aside because I was tired of the fight and internal struggle. It was just easier to give up.
You may have noticed that I have been MIA for the last couple months or so. To be honest, I’ve been wrestling with a few things. I still don’t have the answer to them yet, but it will come in time. The main question that has been posed is “What do I want from my life?” In actuality it is a very deep question once you start to dig into it . I know that I am a wife and mother, but what is it truly that God has for me as far as a path? Tevis and I were talking about this the other day and he said that he knows for certain that his skill set is for Music. So, what is mine? I have many things that I am good at. The moment that I think I have the answer, something else presents itself and creates confusion. This happens frequently. Why must I be so easily confused and confounded!
So, within my Nyquil stupor, I am once again pondering this. It has been so easy to lose myself in the “mom/wife” mode & the “mother of a special needs child”. Why is that? I understand my role as a wife & mother but why have I let it consume me to the point of idleness of the desires of my heart? Being a wife and mother is just a piece of who I am. It’s not ALL of who I am.
I have also managed to hide behind my weight and health issues. Using it as a shield to keep me from stepping out in confidence for fear of being rejected and ridiculed. I don’t want to experience, from adults, the pain again of what I endured through school from the hands of kids. I have used the blood disorder that I have, & the doctor’s restrictions that come with it, as an excuse to keep me from making changes in my physical life that I need to make. Yes, I need to be conscious of its effects but I can’t let it be the end-all to me.
So, it’s time to fall to my knees, ask for forgiveness and finally learn to truly stand in the confidence that God gives me. I can’t promise that it will happen overnight. I can only take a step, accept my failure in what I’ve let myself become, go back to being who I was (yes, the black fingernail polish is back & I’m loving it!) and really learn to quit picking back up my baggage & old hurts. Today is a new day and a new start. I just have to find the courage to begin again…
=) Be Blessed!