Needed to re-read this since I totally lost it last night. We started AIT (Auditory Integration Therapy) yesterday for Hunter and it is taking a lot out of me. All the driving, time involved and wrestling with him takes it out of you. He is very disorganized right now in how he handles himself, which is a result of the intensiveness of having his brain retrained. Needless to say, I was wore out and lacked a TON of self-control.
Today I have really struggled with myself. I have really felt bad on nearly everything about myself. Tevis and I were talking and I just started listing everything that I didn’t like about myself, everything that I feel I have failed at, etc, etc… I started ranting about failing at homeschooling, failing at keeping up with the house, failing at being a good wife, being overweight…yada yada yada. You get the point. I started crying about wanting to have a counter like the ones in the model homes where they have just a papertowel holder and a few canisters on them. Why I was so focused on that, who knows. Tevis just laughed at me and said “what home do you know of that is like that?” I said, “Peoples!” That’s all I could come up with. In my head that’s the way everybody’s house is.
I think the main thing that gets me down is that I don’t live up to my own expectations. I have this image in my head of what I want our house, family and life to be like. I like the order of things. Where everything runs smoothly, the kids love each other and don’t fight. There are days where it straight up hits me that we are no where close to that image and it really bothers me and I dont’ know how to fix it. But so often that image that I want to live up to is really nothing but a comparison of someone else, of what I THINK their life is like. I’m craving to be like someone else because their grass is greener. But, I’m not seeing myself or our family through God’s eyes. How easy it is for Satan to weasel his way into our minds and to plant these little thoughts that really can wreak havoc on us. What I need to do is go and pull out my paper that has all the things that God says I am, and read them. I need to dig in and stand on THAT truth instead of Satan’s lies. I have to admit though, it is really hard to change your way of thinking when you have let negative thinking become some a habit. Especially when it’s about yourself. But we are to have a renewed mind. And I need to remember that I am a new creation in Christ and so are you! =) Be Blessed!